Saturday, November 5, 2011


Victor Valdes, FC Barcelona, La Liga

by Dick of All Dicks & Poli Tico

I was just in Paris & Yves told me my blog would be nice-reading ten years from now because it is actually documenting a slipping era that everyone is "wishfulling denying". But I will continue with my SWATTED series next time, there are other interesting topics in what I call "Non-delusional Delicious Sexuality". Actually, one could even benefit men who are into men, especially the benign ones.

It turned out, the secret weapon in becoming heterosexual are the gays themselves.

Living in LA is good for an ex-gay sexual convert, especially if you were exclusively into straight men before, because there are so many gays loitering around, especially if you live around the Hollywood area. That kills the appetite for men because the contaminated view tends to give you this lingering suspicion everybody not obvious could be a closet case so you won't really bother to exert extra effort to even take a second look to check a particularly cute guy because you loathe to waste your time & energy just in case he turns out to be the fake variety. As I've written before, the ambiance is very important to me, gay tones have always destroyed the sexual mood, & just passing thru WeHo in a busy hour immediately annihilated all thoughts of sex. Even when I was still active with all-men sex, whenever I was particularly horny but I had to be busy with some work, I just would drive by the old "Vaseline Alley" to make myself nauseous & even just a gust of the air would make me lose all cravings for sex instantly. Actually, I never had a completed sex with men in LA. There were only two times I went to bed, both with two actor wannabes (who later became well-known ladies' men), but I lost my erection right in the foreplay each time because they both sounded faggy when they started breathing heavily. I am very particular with sounds & the slightest suspicion stops me at my tracks. In both cases, I begged off & left. I had a straight kept boy, a former boyfriend of my former secretary Slu, Gordon from OC, but we had to hie off to the desert to get the right mood. Well, Gordon must be the luckiest kept boy because I just did fellatio on him 3 times in the 3 years I maintained him (I had male sex mostly in my international manhunts), but we must have had threesomes with a hundred girls. He was my main supplier of girls for the female sensitization part of my sexual conversion. I consider him now a younger best friend & converted him into a business partner recently. We go out of town sometimes foursome with our respective girlfriends.

The downside of still writing about my previous gay life is that it's turning out to be an aggravation- instead of just drinking espresso when I'm writing a post just like before, now I have to drink stronger stuff, beer mostly, just to wash down the bad taste formed in my mouth as I dredged best dormant memories for my articles. At certain points with particular triggers, it is not unlike the sudden surge of nausea before whenever I discovered that the cute, seemingly straight guy I was eyeing would turn out to be gay or bi. I called them 'toilet moments' because I always felt then wanting to run to the toilet to puke. Those were forgotten horrors better buried in the past. The price I have to pay for this blog. The only consolation is the reassurance I'm coasting along in my new sex life. No relapse at all so far. A true heterosexual convert, that's me.

So how does being a sexual convert feel like? Do I still feel sexual attraction to straight guys just like before? Strangely, the revulsion I felt before to a gay flirting with me has been transformed into a generalized reaction formation. Ever since, I always felt a certain nausea seeing a naked gay man, & since they were always clogging my gym's locker room & were always eyeing me, there came a point I became nauseated just entering the locker room that I had to build my own home gym. Same conditioning mechanism is at work now: my revulsion to thoughts of sex with gays has transferred to all thoughts of sex with all men. The difference is I'm not revolted seeing a naked straight man. I can stay now in a sauna joking naked with my straight friends without thinking of sex but even astray memories of my previous sexual adventures with men could revive the nausea. It appears the thoughts of a naked B-lister gay male or a gay male wanting to have sex are the key negative triggers because I don't feel the revulsion with my A-lister close friends who were all into straight guys only (most of them would turn out to be benign & most are already converted anyway). The converted ones told me it's mostly the same mechanism at work with them. So you see, our "politically incorrect", discriminatory vomit reflexes play a great part in our sexual rebirths.

So what's the best way to become an ex-gay? Developing a low level of nausea is a must. A strong stomach is definitely contraindicated.When you start feeling nauseated looking at a particular trying-hard apparition, you're on your way. That nausea could be harnessed positively. Self-hatred among gays, especially the benign ones, could be rechanneled to hatred to sex with other gays so a sexual response could be recalibrated to the desired sexual state. Gays naturally repel each other, & that should be reinforced instead of being politically manipulated the other way around, as it is being done now. The benign ones could still benefit & should be protected. I consider the malignant B-lister gays as terminal cases, de-facto collateral damage of evolution, & the practical thing to do is write them off, not allowed a propaganda pulpit instead & hold everybody as moral & political hostages, with the benign A-lister or B-lister gays as the final victims. The downside of the current gay politics is it's mostly malignant B-lister gay-led. It aims to remove an important avenue of escape & seeks to doom everybody into its brand of deluded existence. Malignant tumors are normally irradiated, even excised, rather than allowed to fester & eat up the organism. Political malignancies shouldn't be allowed to eat up the benign cases that could still be saved (saving the 9% over the 1% in British terms).

I have this theory that most of the so-called homophobic hate crimes are between homosexuals themselves. I have punched more than a hundred gays, Greg, who is still active in all-male sex, claims to slap one at least once a week. All my like-minded friends have similar track records. What happens is that most gays nowadays, mindful of the prohibitive economics involved with straight guys, have no recourse but to do it cheaply & hit on what they suspect as other gays. Unfortunately, they have this crazy idea that all gays are game with other gays & they could get too pushy not knowing they're after an A-lister. It usually occurred to me when I would start eyeing what I thought was a straight guy, but who would turn out later to be gay or bi after all. I definitely would back away but just like all the rest, invariably upon seeing my face, they just wouldn't want to let go of the chance so they would pursue me in my getaway even up to the parking lot where I would be forced to use my black-belt on them. My Italian friend Tomasso from Florence related an incident. One time in Rome, he was in a urinal in a bar when a muscular fellow stood beside him then just looked at his penis. But before he could protest, an effeminate gay suddenly materialized on the other side, who probably feared the other one would get Tomasso first, so he immediately tried to grab my friend's exposed organ. Tomasso punched him right away, then made his getaway & rejoined his straight kept boy then, Simone, inside the bar. Some minutes later, there was a commotion outside. On the other side of the street, the effeminate gay from the urinal was lying down with a bloodied face on the sidewalk, crying, while the muscular guy from the urinal was running away as fast as he could from the scene. When they transferred to another bar, Tomasso was surprised to see the muscular man drinking in the counter. Probably fearing my friend would report him, he immediately approached & explained the effeminate gay won't pay after he agreed to be fellated in a stall. The former ran outside instead so he just mauled him when they caught up. Tomasso thought then the fem probably didn't really expect to pay because he was just cruising another gay. The next morning, he opened the TV while eating his breakfast & the newscaster had this grave face reporting on another "detestable case of homophobia"- allegedly, an innocent gay man was just walking home when he was suddenly attacked "with extreme hatred" by a gang of youths.

Tomasso found it so surreal watching the self-righteous disdain on the clueless anchorman's face that he laughed uncontrollably he almost choked on the panini. He was still laughing just as hard when he related the incident to me six months later when I visited him in Florence. Laughing was cathartic to Tomasso. That incident turned out to be an epiphany. You're supposed to pity somebody in that story? Wait until you are a constant victim of harassment in a urinal yourself. More important thing, Tomasso saw a vision- a less surreal existence. At that time, I was already talking of my sexual conversion but not really trying to convince anybody to follow. But one-upmanship is ingrained in boys even in matters of sexuality. Four moths later, Tomasso called up to tell me he already has a girlfriend. Same mechanism: recycle his revulsion to the two gays in the urinal, to all gays for that matter, & later, transposed it to all guys as a matter of course. Between us, I have to admit he has the better-looking girlfriend. But we love them both.

There was never any emotional component to my relationships with men. Purely physical. I consider somebody who has been "in love" before with a man as bisexual even if he has all the right to self-identify later as heterosexual. But the label is only for my benefit so I would know if I should stay away from being caught naked in a sauna with him. The reason I've punched more than a hundred gays is really because of one fact: a naked really good-looking guy will always draw out the real sexuality of a repressed case (before questioning that, please look at the mirror first). Somebody I suspected ALWAYS made a pass. So labels are important to the prospective victim. There was this author who wrote in his bio claiming that he's straight though he fell in love with another boy when he was young but there's nothing wrong with homosexual love because it is love. Lol, he would've made more sense if he just wrote he was bisexual because no heterosexual man ever falls in love with another man. I wouldn't be caught naked with him in a spa even if his wife is with him.

It used to irk me to think I have to get out of town to get the right mood to enjoy men but I'm now discovering the benefits. The dampening energy nearby fortifies my feelings of heterosexuality. So you want to become straight? Contrary to malignant B-lister gay politics, sexual repulsion to other gays is a necessary step. It is the required first step. Go on from there. A benign case need not live in delusion forever.

I received an email from a boy from Las Vegas, Nick, who wrote I should write the music I'm listening to because he missed the days when I would put music videos (we allegedly have the same taste): when I wrote this post, I was listening to two albums, Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds & Ryan Adams' Ashes & Fire. I'm about to play Coldplay's album, Mylo Xyloto, Deus' Keep You Close & The Kooks' Junk of the Heart. Btw, the singer of the latter, Luke Pritchard, was my last male singer crush before my sexual conversion. I just came from Europe, that accounts for the mostly European acts today, except for Ryan, of course, who is the only short singer I could tolerate. No, I don't listen to gay singers, it would feel like a malignant B-lister gay man has intruded into my earphones. There are so many singers & songs anyway, I have 200 GB in my hard drive. I deleted all my REM songs when the lead singer came out. Even those I just suspect even if they show girls, I avoid (watch their gay advocacy- the gay market is miniscule so I find no reason for risking the straight-loving segment which includes wealthy gays who actually buy, so a closet singer is really just fighting for himself). No need to destroy the mood. Music is supposed to be a sensual feast, not a religious occasion to pretend pity.

The definitions of Malignant Gay, Benign Gay, B-Lister Gay & A-Lister Gay are found in the left sidebar.