Friday, February 25, 2011

GODS OF RUGBY: Mark Cueto of Sale Sharks, Aviva Premiership

A month has passed since I started with my sexuality conversion therapy. I just joined my first swapping as part of a heterosexual couple. I have never been attracted to a guy if I learned he's gay. If I would only be deluding myself I enjoy sex with a gay man, I'd rather delude myself I enjoy sex with a woman. If I would only be teaching myself to enjoy sex with a gay man, I would rather teach myself to enjoy sex with women.

Sometimes being contrarian has its virtues. It not only served me well in my stock market investments. If I had let go & allowed myself to be suckered like in a herd by the political noise, I would've only dug myself deeper into misery. It never entered my mind to "come out" with the less conventional aspects of my sexuality to the general society, much less to my family. I see I can live my life & suck a straight guy whenever I have the itch anyway. No need to shout to the world, why should I complicate things when it's working perfectly considering the cards given to me? I wasn't born with neon lights announcing my sexuality unlike the congenitally outed gays & most Cyrils, & I don't buy the idea I should intersect my sexual world with theirs. We have different battles to fight. We may both love sucking cocks but I don't have the slightest desire to suck theirs nor fall in love with any of them. There's simply no attraction to speak of. I can never see myself as part of the outed gay community. No use replacing misery with more misery. I'm not about to surrender & be stampeded to assume an unwanted identity. Healing is my profession & I don't give up on a case as long as there are options. Nature doesn't always share its secrets immediately, but bit by bit, it ultimately does. I was waiting for the moment I can find a break & handle it accordingly.

The break has come.It has been there all along. Last night, Yves, his wife, my one-time kept boy but now friend Renaud, his girl friend, a French model & me had a hot night in a club echangiste in Paris.The model & me played as a couple & we swapped with other spectacular couples. I wrote before, if I would only be teaching myself to enjoy sex with a gay man, I would rather teach myself to enjoy sex with women.

I'm enjoying it now.

I forgot the title of the film but there was this movie & one of the lines stuck to my mind: "We set out to change the world, but we ended up changing ourselves."I wrote this blog not to change the world but I ended up changing myself.

Too bad I have to write about Mark Cueto at this time. At a previous desire level, I would've created a poem for the guy. But the world turns, & new desires are discovered. There's a tinge of poignancy when leaving a certain place where you spend some precious moments of your life. I'm not about to leave this one just yet completely, there's still miles of travel ahead. But I am sure now of my destination. I'll still be writing my auto-psychotherapy notes for this blog. It's the journal of my sexual journey.

celebrating straight boy Mark:



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